Monday, June 6, 2016

Respect the Rooster No More

Cock-a-doodle-doo. Yes, please. The premise: Sriracha Chips. Not Sriracha-flavored, but Sriracha Chips. A product of the partnership between Pop! Gourmet and Huy Fong Foods (Inc.). The chaser: Soda (sort of). More on that later…

It’s been almost two weeks and the disappointment still lingers. Then why do I crave them? My mind hopes that, like wine, this less than unimpressive chips get better with age. I grab me a bowl and the disappointment is confirmed two times over. Yet, I keep eating them. Was the Sriracha shadow too much for this product? Is it my slight fanaticism over this mana of a sauce? If there’s something that can ruin an experience is the build-up towards it — high expectations. The Sriracha brand seems to promise a great experience for the consumer in any of its uses. Which can be, and often is, disappointing at times. But just as it can ruin an experience, lack of build-up can be beneficiary to some experiences. And a disappointing start, can make a just-over mediocre finish seem pretty good in contrast…

Segways. The promise: Soda Mints. An exotic appeal that hopes to out-do the underwhelming performance Pop! and it’s over-adventurous ambition to cause and “internet-breaking” sensation delivered. The box pops open. Classy and small, everyone pause in awe. The minuscule capsule-like pills get past around, one by one. 

Funny thing about our senses. Until our ancestors moved into land from the sea, taste and smell where a singular sense. Hence, the lather heavily influences the first even today. So, I proceed as my instincts dictate me to do: I smell. My eyes widen. So do Chris’s. Are we the only ones detecting it? Maybe we’re the only ones smelling it. We look around… Nothing. We stick to the G-code. We cheers and we taste, as per protocol. The experiences widely different than expected. A mild soda-like tingle, a more-than-noticeable sweeties that is short-lived. Overall a C+, but after that smell I was so relieved the taste was not tied to its aroma, I’d given it a B+ on the spot if asked. 

That is what we need to learn. When it comes to food, you need to let your opinion be filled by the experience and not try to fit in in the expectation mold that may never be filled. 


Monday, August 17, 2015

Find Your Beach

Picture this.

You're at the beach with a beautiful significant other.

You're both looking into the idyllic waves crash onto the shore. You notice that the picture-perfect ocean is perfectly framed by a bright sky with just a few clouds in the distance. Your body nestles against some dark mahogany chairs. You're holding a Corona Extra in your hand with some limon tucked into the narrow lip of the glass. You can only have this one, since you're trying to maintain your beach figure. You lay back and sit still.

Very still.

"Stay right there, don't move. The photographer got the shot wrong. And now he's out of film, so he has to get back to headquarters to get a few rolls. Hang tight."

You collapse into the chair, shoulders shrugging as they slide over the warm wood. Your skin grows slightly damp in the heavy air. But you sit, entranced by the coming and going of the water, which doesn't seem to accomplish much. But you weren't looking to accomplish a lot either. You hear some angry mumbling beside you, but you don't really acknowledge it. Can't be that important, it can wait. Your eyelids grow heavy. Just a quick rest. The photographer will-

You open your eyes. The photographer is back! You glance over at your Rolex Submariner that that ad director lent you. Three hours. Oops. You struggle to get back in the effortless-looking pose that you were in before, the carefully rustled hair and reclined manner. But it doesn't matter. The photographer is mad. He can't get the perfect shot anymore, because you notice that your exposed skin resembles this.

You bite into the chip. Just a nibble, because you only get one. You're trying to maintain your beach figure. You feel your six pack recede into a rapidly expanding stomach (who are you kidding, there's only one chip left because you ate the rest), but you ignore that as you immediately envision the Corona in your hand. The lime. The spice vaguely reminiscent of the salty smell of the sea. The lobster-like complexion that you and your significant other left with before the big argument and horribly public Facebook breakup. No, don't think about that. Only beach, waves, and beer. Perfection.

You reach for your keys. Off to the store to get another can so that you can continue dreaming about the past that you left far behind.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Haiku Kitty

Tastes like marshmallow
Gummy, chewy, and gooey
Bye-bye, dear kitty

P.S. I love Oxford commas.

P.P.S. Hand for scale.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Salsagheti: Latin Tastebud Identiy Crisis

Here at WTF snacks, the stranger the snack, the more attention we pay. Past favorites include candied scallops with just enough sugar to offset seafood, lip-shaped wax that's about as inedible as it sounds, and burger-flavored chips mildly reminiscent of McDoubles from your neighborhood friendly McDonald's.

Yet we can't figure out why anyone would want to try watermelon strings with salsa. So we tried it for you and are reporting back.

The 'gheti

Aside from the vivid red tone far beyond any meat sauce, the 'gheti surprisingly resembles actual spaghetti. When first biting into a gummy strand, we are greeted with slightly artificial watermelon taste. Think sour patch watermelons without the sour powder. They are tasty, though not as practical in loading your mouth with flavor as a more full-bodied snack would.

Salsa (aka Flavored Hot Liquid Candy)

Que Rica Vida describes dulces enchilados for us:
Some of the [dulces enchilados] were seasoned with chile piquín; some with tamarind pulp and others were made with my favorite condiment, chamoy, a savory Mexican sauce made of dry fruit with chili, salt, sugar, water, and vinegar ... Chamoy can be sold as a liquid, powder, or paste, and it ranges from mild to very spicy. One thing is for sure — all of them, no matter how spicy, are delicious!
Despite the unappetizing presentation of this liquid candy, we were determined to give it a try. We applied a dab on the tongue without the 'gheti. Its smokiness and sweetness were overshadowed by a even more artificial taste. But since the salsa was meant to accompany the 'gheti, the real test follows.


When we separated a short strand and dipped in the liquido, we found that we did not taste the salsa at all. We then gave another strand a generous number of swirls before tasting. This time, the salsa was noticeable, but we were disappointed to find that the tastes did not complement each other. It's like putting two good foods together: cheesecake and ketchup or curry and raspberries- somewhat satisfying, but not really.


Despite its originality and authenticity, the salsagheti's lack of cohesiveness combined with the artificial taste of the separate ingredients makes us hesitant to recommend that you follow in our footsteps.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Root Beer Float Oreo

"Things that should NOT be a cookie..."

"An A for accuracy, but a C- for enjoyability"

"Wow, this is root beer!"

"It tastes fizzy."

"I'm not gonna throw up, but I'm not going to have another one".

Friday, September 26, 2014

Alien Brain Hemorrhage
The nastiest yet sweetest drink I've ever seen